My favorite love.

Let’s dive into something a bit more lighthearted. Where I met my favorite love RJ, his name is protected for privacy reasons. Oh my favorite love has been a part of my heart from the moment we met in 1995! It was 8th grade middle school where we met. How we met well he was my best friend’s at the time, boyfriend, but later became good friends.

RJ was always a sweet young man with a handsome face! He was always kind and courteous to all us girls whom he hung out with. And me in my little eighth grade way I had developed a major crush on him! I mean he was not only kind and loving but he was so cute In My eyes! So much so that I actually attempted to flirt for the first time ever and it was with him … oh and it was disastrous! Mostly because I tried to set his hair on fire, and got my self in school suspension… blaming it on the fact that he had so much product in his hair it surely had to be extremely flammable. My ways of flirting have come along way I no longer have the urge to try and set my favorite loves hair on fire for the sake of attention, or flirting.

RJ and I in middle school

As the years went by we go through high school and he being the handsome, athletic, sweet young man he was unbeknownst to him he became popular with the ladies. But my friend he still remained because he never let that “popularity status” inflate his ego, and boy did that attract me even more to him . Thanks to a pact that he and my brother made not to date each others sisters, he was but far from the reality to have anything in the shape of a romantic relationship. But still a girl could dream and daydream!

I was an awkward teen, overweight, under confidant, loud and obnoxious a nerdy music nerd if you can imagine . Sure I had friends and even had boyfriends. One of which is now my ex husband. But o was far from his league I mean all the pretty girls in school were interested, it was like get in line but he is not taking numbers. He didn’t really date in high school.

As time goes on in high school a noticeable change happens, his smile isn’t as wide and bright anymore, his eyes and energy are filled with sadness. Now knowing how to be a better friend or rather being scared of showing affection or care for I feared rejection. I mean what 16 year old girl wants to be rejected? I probably should have spoke up. And who knows where that could have led but that doesn’t matter because our story is perfect, just the way it is.

Fast forward a few years and through the grapevine you hear “stories” or rumors about people. And some are sad and some are happy… but mostly they are just funny drunk stories. I hear about him getting married to his first wife! It didn’t phase me as much as 16 year old me would have taken it. I was genuinely happy and then the devastating news of losing the baby came and that was a hard one to swallow because I knew my friend was sad. Then you hear of a young couple divorce and it’s heartbreaking.

Some time goes by… lots of time. And I come to find out that not only does my frien have twin boys the same age as my son but they are also like my son on the autism spectrum. My friend is so desperately trying to get his family moved from New York to California. My heats said I must help his cause so I send over $200 in hopes that it will offset and financial burden. But I didn’t hear from him again … at least not for a little while longer.

It was November 2019 when a comment popped on my Facebook! Now I had not heard from my friend in years… but something told me that my friend was going through great sadness, more so then when he was 16… so I reach out as a friend. And I’m so happy I did! Because we connected and clicked in a completely different way than we had before. It was as if that time living our own lives was important to do on our own. luckily this time we were both single. And surprisingly neither one of us looking for love.

Not only did I find myself falling in love quick and fast but I also found myself, learning, learning all about this human this treasure of a person who was clear across the other side of the country in New York. we made the long distance thing work so many sleeping hour sacrificed thanks to time zones and navigating our own lives plus on top of it I had earlier just found out I had a rare type of curable cancer. Liposarcoma yup fat cancer is a real thing. Also at this point in my life I had already lost 180 lbs. but that’s a different story. I was a very tired single mom who was literally barely hanging on. So resting and not being too busy made it so I never missed a call or text.

His step mom passed away in December of 2019 and the opportunity to fly to California came, even though the circumstances of him being able to come visit me was sad, the fact that after so many years of not seeing each other and a few month of reconnecting over the phone we were finally going to hold hands! I used to fantasize as a 13 year old girl, holding his hand! But not only would I get to finally hold his hand I would also engage in a sweet kiss. I much awaited kiss. One I had been pinning for since I tried to set his hair on fire. It there we were I. The middle of the Sacramento airport locked in an electrifying loving embrace. It was as if we were all alone and everything and everyone around us disappeared. Nothing else mattered.

RJ and I at step moms celebration of life.

We really enjoy his time here and his visit but we knew that this was going to be a short visit. We could wait on the rest of our lives because we have seen it no other way. So it’s time to take him to the airport. This is probably the hardest drive for all of us cause not only does our love fore each other now real but my two kids have now fallen in love with him, so much so that The Boy my 8 year old son the spectrum called him dad. And not just that but right before getting out of the car asked him not to to go, but asked him to stay, to go back to vacaville. But that is not a choice he has a life in New York he still figuring out the custody of his kids. And as much as I feel the same as The Boy, I know the reality. He has to go back.

Two days later I have surgery to remove the sarcomas. While in recovery I get a call from him on the day I’m supposed to go home… but I was going to go to my moms to heal up, nothing like moms to help you heal. Well that evening he goes to my parents house and takes me home to take care of me and the kids . He couldn’t be apart any much longer. This is one reason how I know that he has given me self sacrificing love. And even though the gestures might not be as grand as that… but their is such sweetness surrounded by that moment. My mom even seemed different and although I had been married before my mom never gave me away the way she did this evening. It was as if she knew we belonged together. No questions asked. She wholeheartedly trusted him with my life and my heart.

And of course we can sit here and romanticize the healing from surgery or even dealing with chemo treatment, but this man without hesitation cleaned up projectile vomit, changed wound dressings, changed gabes diapers, literally helped me in every way possible. And for this I am eternally grateful. For his unconditional love. And this is one reason he is my favorite love. My other half. My twin flame.

RJ and I getting my first set of staples out. It was Valentine’s Day 🥰

When life hands you lemons…

Life is a roller coaster, and boy do I love a good roller coaster thrill. The rush of velocity, the push and pull, the rides full sensations, as it involuntary moves your body, The anticipation of getting on the ride. The sights, sounds and smells. To find one usually you will find yourself at a carnival or an amusement park. Generally these places have familiar things. Rides, food, Attractions, and entertainment. I compare life to being like a carnival. One of my favorite things at the carnival is lemonade, and like how you would find lemons to make lemonade at a carnival Life sure has handed me lemons from time to time and each time I find myself making lemonade, so here are short stories about my life where I’ve taken the sweetness and made lemonade. These are my personal life stories that I have now chosen to share with the world. Wholeheartedly, without regret.

I’m Carmen, So a little about myself… ok maybe a lot, as you read on to the stories that will be posted weekly. These stories will really go into depth about some pretty amazing times in my life and also some fairly awful dark times. I am a mother of 2 kids, an amazing teen (I know I got lucky! ) which we will refer to as she/they/he preferred name Soph, And a special preteen boy we shall call The Boy. I am a lover to my significant other, RJ, he is my favorite love. I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I’m a beauty queen, I’m a great many different things and you will learn that, as you read about me.

The purpose of these short stories is to tell my truth, I have lived through some pretty traumatic things. However seeing how thing although we’re rough we all involved were able to make lemonade! Because it is in the sweet moments that we are able to overcome some pretty bitter/ sour things in life. So pull up a blanket or just find a cozy spot and remember to bring the sweetness so we can make lemonade!



Vacaville, California